¿Quelle

¿Tod?
Todsünde. Todsinn. Wahnsinn. Wannsinn.
Wann?
As I approach to the idiom, the language, the tongue. Lèvres.
Idioma.
I do not have the images, the photos, just the memory. Encore une graphie. The way I write.
What do I want to approach? Commence par le ‘¿’, dans ta langue (maternelle).
Almost. Casi.
Çaci.
Totstunde. L’heure. A toute. ¿
Lo que quieres preguntar. Dans la différance des langues.
As I approach the image, the memory, the dead tongues.
Wenn¿

As I remember I narrate the man in the train kneeling laying praying dying probably vomiting what he did not eat what I did not give him what he needed as the people turned again from him me in the train I did too and I wanted to tell this story and I feel I cannot I am reminded of Prudent the man that stabbed Beckett about whom he said he was pretty nice perhaps not pretty but close enough to the man in the train in the S-Bahn as I went back to my Berliner Heimat a big room overlooking Leibnizstrasse whom I should read more not only not only because but since it is my job since I started and from there I can I feel understand better the man in the train as I turned away from him and imagined that perhaps he was going to die there as I wanted to tell the story his story not really just to pass the time to make time pass as when I was reading l’innommable on the airplane as I arrived to Mexikostadt Mexico City el defe from where I had left months ago when I was thinner but also more squalid not as Samuel not as your best friend but certainly a little livid a little sick an image related to what you write and to the man in/on the train you wish you could tell this story but you do not know from where to where to begin to end perhaps it is not the hour and you just want to pass time telling about the possibility of narrating as you discover that you are not a narrator only an idea-man an ideal-man that is non-existent inexistent just a ghost just a word just an image of a man in a train as I remember I narrate.

Getötet, versuche ich erzählen, die Zahlen, nicht wichtig, nur eins. Nun.
Essaie en français la langue paternelle quoique ton père ne le ne peut rien parler. Pas du tout des tous qui veulent en parler, philosoquement en fait. De quoi. ¿

Getötet, mach was ist eigene. Question of the proper, what you own what owns you how you get away if you want to get away from ‘it’. To be free, Eleuthéria, from the self, that is—simple question. Pourquoi changer de langue donc? Peut-être parce qu’ainsi puisqu’ainsi on peut. Ecrire rien.

Between James and Samuel, Lucia. Licht nicht.
Ichen, ich iche du ichst er icht. Ichte ich. Verstören verstorben zerstören. Plain verbs. Just a possibility, within languages. Iche dich. To father to show: Zeugen. Trying to say to pass to transcribe translate. A man on the train, a million men on the train—you have no image, what do you see here?
Zwischen, Jacques.

Just a possibility, a final possibility. Origins. You know the question, you hear the questions: Todtnauberg. Todberge. (You have the image of you, little baby, on your father’s tummy—nicht deine Mutter, warum? Peur du foyer.)

Aux faits, neben dich: deux dictionnaires, zwei Wörterbücher, « Schibboleth », « l’innommable », « Genèses, généalogies, genres et le génie », « états d’âme de la psychanalyse », « chaque foix unique la fin du monde », « der Kontrabass », « el contrabajo », « Eleuthéria », deine Kamera. Juste comme au commencement, la fin, bien sûr—cliché, photographié. Ce qui reste. Restance. L’homme dans la train.

(„SINGBARER REST - der Umriss / dessen, der durch / die Sichelschrift lautlos hindurchbrach, / abseits, am Schneeort.“
P. Celan.)

Aux faits, à ta droite: photographies, ta arrière-grand-mère, ton oncle, ta sœur, sa famille, ta grand-mère et sa mère, la mère de tes sœurs et de ton frère, ton frère, ton oncle, ton père, toi, ton père et ses frères. Plus loin, Samuel. Mais déjà il y a les livres. Catalogue.

Ses yeux, ces yeux. Ce n’est pas poésie. Au moins pas la poésie. Ecrire pour survivre pendant qu’on meurt on écrit on dit d’où vient cette voix une demande une prière un désir. Comment sais-toi le genre des mots ? Hymen. Le sentiment, la sensation qu’un jour tu ne pourras pas, ne pourras plus supporter subir les phrases les sentences seulement des mots déchirés sans lien sans support seulement les vers qui déchirent qui marquent le poème pas. Nicht wahr ? Wahnsinn.

En tu propia lengua, mientras tienes que pensar las letras, la cantidad y la separación, escansión—ya cometiste un error. Nada fatal.

Von wo denkst du? Heimat. Eins. Not the only one, as you discovered already the impossibility of making only one. Jaillis la fumée. Jaillissez! Ce que tu essaies de dire.
Cantable se mantiene. Moderato.

To think that. Too strong now. The dream of a language (tongue) that would be the softest, almost saying nothing, almost touching. Presque sexuelle, presque là, touchant. Comme le sentiment. Ce que tu resens quand tu vois. Trop tard. Tod.

Tu viens de trouver une araignée. Quelle image. You try to make the link, the trace that unites the terms images that resound in your heart : taking pictures of crosses, great lakes, a little object in front of a giant one, several books piled together, a body, eyes, a dog running, your own hands, smoke, statues, sentences, black on white, yourself, elle, trainwindows, long hair hers, unfamiliar words, rain, drainage, water, a man throwing a rock to the water, mirrors, your hand her hair the words everything reflected, light, a pen and a notebook. You’d mention what you don’t like to photograph. Nichts, nicht (es ist) wahr.

Más cierto en tu lengua¿. Algo te impide escribir con ella. No hablar. Podrías hacer la conexión con los últimos eventos. Demasiado simple. Madres. Ja, du bist ein mexikaner.

Wo bist du? Konzentrationslager. Focus.

“somebody needs you... and everything moves slow”

Verantwortung. Antworten. Wem, darauf? To respond. Se rendre responsable. Why do you write? Why do you? "The devil is you". Simple answer: in you, on you. How yet to make me, to transform me, or rather, to assume this, shoulders? Se rendre conscient. No escape. I am a dialectical man-thus I owe and I am own. By what. Geschichte. Historia. Tell me one.

To escape. La fuite. How to understand this? In a room, I escaped in my room. The flight is productive (Deleuze), or can be. How? Fuire, de quoi? For once focus on the picture, watch (keep garde) of the ring, there is a reason why it attracted you, why you had to take it-or why you were taken by it. Inimaginable. Use your imagination-that's where the crime starts, and perhaps where you can start to ask-without answers. Then, try not to understand-observe: pray. Contemplation & responsibility.

How to differenciate the windows? You know there is a delay. Différer. Aber du kannste das schon, vor viel Zeit. Focus. From which window do you see? What do you see?

She.

The sea.

Die Menschen.

die See, ein See.

Sí.

You need your eyes, her eyes.

What do you want to construct? Bilder. As risky as they are, but never in a flight. Tu as toujours rêvé voler. Combien de temps?
Pregúntale a tu consciencia. Was? Das Gewissen. There, you cannot lie. Bilder. Verantworten. Versprechen (sich). Between images and words, there you(r) rest(s).
Con algunos punteros. Anillos. From where you hold, you are being hold. Dein Schicksal.

Something happened to this image. Unconscious, but there. Not a election. That can never be.
Rest, focus. Wachen. Du bist eine Wache. You asked yourself what was your job, your matter. Tomb.
For that, you gotta remain conscious. "Keep talking".

Heimat

Time to look back. Am Zeit sieht man zurück. Je commence à voir en arrière. Reading about translation. And trying to get it right. Tu viens d’être dans les lieux. Les lieux de certain x. Quelconque. Donde te encontrabas: Berlin. Aussi d’où tu croyais que tu ne sortirais jamais. Erreur. Attend, il y a plus. N’.

¿Cuál es el exponente? -1, +1. Prends en considération le Meridian. Ou où tu trouves (maintenant). Back to (the) letters. À qui écris-toi ? ‘Engelhardt’ you try to make up the name of the restaurant of your last meal (not really). Schwarzkaffee. Café negro. Ja, bitte.

Colourful, even the toilette. « Even there there’s gods… » Geist, You tried to translate this joke, even though apparently it makes more sense in German. Censé.

Schnitzel, als deine Mutter es machtet. Simple pollo empanizado. Simple ? Imaginais-toi comme ça ta dernière journée à Berlin ? Pas. Pas la dernière. As the order goes, this would have been the one before the last night in Berlin—the one about which you wrote before (you always write before the end—about the end).

Revenons. La toilette. Les bières. One last image. Not really. (As the true last night, staying/resting in your demeure, you heard the screams of an old man. No, not actually, first you saw him while you came out of the Chinese restaurant with what’d have been really your last meal ; you saw him there, laying on the ground, and you thought of an accident. Umfall, Urfall ? Came upstairs, ate your meal, and your host asked you what was going on on the street… Ein alter Mann… vielleicht ist er verruckt. Ja. More than one cop. You saw as they pushed him against the car while he kept screaming for help. What did you understand ? « Krieg, Krieg ». Ich war in Deutschland.

Second day Tegel. More important than Charles de Gaulle. Always in airports. « das muss ein besonders interessant Leben zu sein », « ja, na klar ». As you said goodbye. Not really. You tried to take several pictures, instances, of your aborted departure. Look at the sky and imagine yourself on it, in it, through it. Absurdo. ¿Qué leías entonces ? Suskind.

Take one last picture of you in. Take another one. How many kilometers ? Now you have miles. Mille. Trying to get the reflection as (if) another eye were watching you. Simply wrong. Nothing (is) simple. (And you would still try to speak German in the plane, up to the point where the fly attendant gave you an immigration form auf Deutsch. Wortschatz, Wörterbuch. Ja, you recognize that (erkenne ich ?) (lost thought), always with a dictionary, even in Spanish ?) Ja.

A theme of the trip, the stay, la demeure: le ciel. This time you only wanted to take that. Especially while on the ground. Les nuages. Your famous European sky. Gray—the importance of that colour non colour—white all the spectrum, black the lack of all. And gray? Neither nor, ni ni. Irgendwie macht es dich bequem. Comfortable—certain kind of home. The ivory towers of neurosis. Einer gute alte Witz. The Chicago sky.

Two months ago. Vor zwei Monate, auf den Flugzeug. Zeuge. Tú eres un manojo de nervios. (The accents work still). Orange orage. Orageux foyer. Your face, one last time. The end of the trip. Voyage. Simple word. What have you done this summer? Deutsch lernen, und… You go back, not in Berlin, not in Zurich, still in. Yes, remain still. Changes?

Green. Take a walk, a stroll. Hiking. You never visited the German woods. Tiergarten, on one of your last days. This is a lake. Stay with the facts. Easier to handle. Manbuiltlake. Bauen. Hier? Green.

You’re not in Berlin anymore. You’re home.

Ich kann Deutsch.